Camp WOOF

1. Wake Up Call
2. The Princess Pat
3. The Walrus Cannonball
4. Tom the Toad
5. Poison Ivy
6. Benton's Dream
7. Fried Ham/Rat Race
8. So Weird
9. Duh!
10. Tongue Twisters
11. Sugar in the Gourd
12. Like Bread Loves Salt
13. The Mal-Adjusted Jester
14. There's a Bug in My Bed
15. The Duchess at Tea
16. The Very Squeaky Door
17. Dreams of Harmony

2. The Princess Pat

The Princess Pat
Lived in a tree
And she sailed across
The seven seas,
She sailed across
The channel too
And she brought with her
A rigga-bam-boo!

Chorus:
A rigga-bam-boo
Now what is that?
It's something made
By the Princess Pat
It's red and gold
And purple too
That's why it's called
A rigga-bam-boo

Now Captain Jack
Had a mighty fine crew
They sailed across
The Channel too
But their boat sunk
And yours will too
If you don't bring
A rigga-bam-boo

[Chorus]

3. The Walrus Cannonball
(Lyrics by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1995 BMI; music: traditional [The Wabash Cannonball])

One day when I was working on my tan down at the swimming hole
Who should arrive in a limousine all the way from the North Pole!?!
"Its Laurence the Walrus...Head for the hills!!" I heard the lifeguard cry,
And when I saw him hit the water I knew the reason why!

Take the great Atlantic Ocean and the wide Pacific too,
That's about half the water that's going to fall on you.
You'll feel like you're standing underneath Niagara Falls
If you're any where in the vicinity when the Walrus Cannonballs!

First this monstrous mammal climbed up the diving tower.
Since he weighs 'bout seventeen hundred pounds it took him half an hour.
Then he bellowed in his walrus voice to everyone below: [music stops]
"I hope your flood insurance is paid cause here I goooooooooo!"

There were fish up in the pine trees I had a bullfrog my ear,
They say they felt that cannonball ten miles away from here!
That's why we have one simple rule for everybody's sake:
Laurence: There'll be no more walrus cannon-balling in the lake.

Take the great Atlantic Ocean and the wide Pacific too,
That's about half the water that's going to fall on you.
You'll feel like you're standing underneath Niagara Falls
Laurence alone: If you're any where in the vicinity
That's anywhere in proximity,
I said anywhere in the community
When the Walrus Cannonballs!

4. Tom the Toad

Chorus:
Tom the Toad oh Tom the toad
Why did you hop up on the road 2X

Why did you hop up on the street
Where there are no flies to eat

You hopped up on the hot asphalt
The trucks and cars they did not halt

[Chorus]

Amphibians cannot survive
Speed limits over sixty-five

You hopped up on the avenue
And now I've got you on my shoe

[Chorus]

You hopped up an the hot cement
And now we sing the sad lament

Let Tom's demise teach everyone
To get run over isn't fun

[Chorus]

5. Poison Ivy
(Leiber and Stoller)

It's pretty as a rose,
But everybody knows:
It will get you "in Dutch"
You may look but you mustn't ever touch:

Chorus:
Poison Ivy, Poison Ivy
Poison Ivy, Poison Ivy
Late at night when you're sleeping
Poison Ivy comes a'creeping
Around!

Measles make you bumpy, Mumps will make you lumpy,
Chicken Pox will make you jump and twitch! (Oh dear)
Whooping Cough will fool you; Common Cold can cool you,
But Poison Ivy, Lord, will make you ITCH!!!

You're going to need an ocean
Of Calamine Lotion,
You'll be "scratching like a hound"
The instant you start to "mess around:"

[Chorus]

7. Fried Ham

Fried ham, fried ham, cheese and baloney,
And after the macaroni we'll have onions, pickles and lettuce,
And then we'll have some more fried ham!

8. So Weird
(Lyrics by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1995 BMI; music: traditional [My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean])

My brother eats broccoli for breakfast,
My sister likes homework and school
My best friend took seventeen turtles
And gave them a home in his pool!

Chorus:
So weird, so weird, all the people I know are so weird
So weird, so weird, all the people I know are so weird!

My aunt likes to go bungee jumping
I would not say that she's a wimp
Her greatest ambition in life is to
Jump from the Goodyear Blimp!

[Chorus]

My father won't watch any TV
He'd rather read mystery books
He wears a polka-dot bowtie
'Cause he likes the way that it looks!

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to be normal
In spite of all that they do
But I realized I'm not going to change them
I've decided to be so weird too

So I put a tattoo on my forehead
I took up the slide trombone
I put the following message on
My parent's telephone:

So weird, so weird, everyone here is so weird, so weird,
So weird, so weird, everyone here is so weird!

9. Duh
(Lyrics and music by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1995 BMI)

Well you go into the bathroom and you get your toothbrush out
First you wet the bristles with some water from the spout
You put on a big glob of toothpaste, when in walks your little brother Keith,
He looks at you and he says "Hey George, are you going to brush your teeth?

DUH! If you give me just a minute Ill have an answer for you
DUH! I'm really not exactly sure what I'm going to do.
It may be speculation, it's probably just a guess,
But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the answer is "yes!"

You sit down at the table, you've got a sandwich on your plate,
You've got pickles and pop and potato chips and a piece of pumpkin pie poppa made
You're about to take that first big bite when in walks your little sister Sue
She looks at you and in her little sister voice asks: "Is all that food for you?"

DUH! If you give me just an hour I'll have an answer for you
DUH! I'm not exactly sure who's going to eat all this food,
It may come as a shock to you but really must confess,
Though it just might seem like gluttony, the answer is yes

Now, I'm not trying to discourage you from having an inquiring mind,
I always thought curiosity was something rather fine
But I got one little question, and that is just "how come
Could a person who's as smart as you ask a question that's so ....?"

One day when I was down at camp having' lots of fun,
Singing with a bunch of kids, seems we had just begun
When somebody grabbed my mustache, I think his name was Jake
He looked at me and said "Hey Bill, is this mustache fake?

DUH! The pain you see upon my face isn't just an act
This mustache is attached to me, and that's a natural fact
Every little mustache hair from my face did grow,
And I hate to disappoint you, Jake but, duh, the answer is "no."

By now you've probably realized not all questions are the same,
Some are quite intelligent while others rather lame,
But now that you know everything I'll leave it up to "yuh"
To tell the world when it's appropriate to say:.........

13. The Mal-Adjusted Jester
(Sylvia Fine, as performed by Danny Kaye in "The Court Jester")

When I was a lad I was stormy and sad as I was from the day I was born
When other babes giggled and gurgled and wiggled I proudly was loudly forlorn.
My friends and my family looked at me clammily thought there was something amiss
When others found various antics hilarious all I could manage was this: Boo hoo, or this: boo hoo or this: boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

My father said, "Son, what's to become of someone who's acting so sadly?
My mother said, "Dear, it would appear that life has been treating you badly!"
So they sent for a witch with a terrible twitch and they asked how my future impressed her,
She took one look at me, and said "Hee, hee, hee, he..., what else could he be but a jester!

A jester? A jester? A funny idea a jester!
No butcher or baker or candlestick maker
And me with the look of a fine undertaker
Impressed her...as a jester?

But where could I learn any comical turn that was not in a book on a shelf?
No one who could take me and mold me and make me a merry man fool or an elf!
But I'm proud to recall that in no time at all
With no other recourses but my own resources
With firm application and determination:
I made a fool of myself!!!!

I found a bow and arrow and I learned to shoot
I found a little horn and I learned to toot
Now I can shoot and toot, ain't I cute???

I went the king who then asked me to sing in a way that would likely display
The kind of enjoyment my royal appointment would bring to his court every day.
I sang and I sang till I made a big bang with all the swell folks in the place,
Especially... when I twisted my knee... and fell flat on my face...
My face... I really messed up my face....(sob) I didn't used to look like this!)

Tumbling, bumbling and of course stumbling every trick in my act,
Riddling fiddling hi-diddle-diddling anything that would attract!
I was battered and bruised but the king was amused
And before his siesta he made me his jester
And I found out soon that to be a buffoon
Is a serious thing as a rule!
For a jester's chief employment
Is to do anything for your enjoyment,
And a jester unemployed
Is nobody's fool!!!

14. There's a Bug in My Bed
(Lyrics and music by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1995 BMI)

You better call for the counselor
You better call for the nurse
I said you may have seen bad things
But now I've seen worse!

I went into my cabin
And what did see?
A six-legged-two-winged-arthropod
Staring back at me!

Chorus:
There's a bug in my bed
Lord have mercy what am I going to do?
You better call for the exterminator so I can lose
These bug-in-my bed blues!

On his big hairy paws
He has big hairy claws!
This bug has a stinger
About two inches long!

[Chorus]

15. The Duchess at Tea

I sat down with the duchess at tea
It was just as I thought it would be
Her rumblings abdominal were simply phenomenal
And everyone thought it was me

17. Dreams of Harmony
(Joanne Olshansky)

Good Night, Bonne Nuit, Oyasu Minasai, Buenos Notches, Lala Salama, Wan An, spokoinu nochi, guten nacht, lila tov

(English, French, Japanese, Spanish, Swahili, Chinese, Russian, German, Hebrew)

Where ever you lay your head tonight
We are all one family let's hold tight
And fill the world with dreams of
Harmony tonight