Forbidden Folklore

1. Forbidden Folklore
2. Spooky Gross Stuff/Cluck Old Hen
3. Fowl Murder/Oh How He Lied
4. Dark, Dark Rover
5. Cafeteria Food
6. The Marriage of Sir Gawain
7. Let's Dance
8. The Big Toe/This Little Piggy
9. Peter-The-Weather-Poet/Eenie-meenie
10. Cuffy/Iko WOOF
11. Wicked John
12. Shaking Down the Acorns

1. Forbidden Folklore
(Lyrics by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1993 BMI)

Welcome everyone to a special edition of Radio WOOF. For now the station that fiercely fosters folklore invites you to join us on a journey beyond the boundaries of good taste and common sense into a land that is usually avoided by people less foolhardy than us together we will venture into the realm of FORBIDDEN FOLKLORE!

If you're scared by ghostly riddles
Or the sound of spooky fiddles
And if you don't like creepy stuff
You better not listen to this WOOF

But if you don't mind finding out
What Forbidden Folklore is all about
Turn off the lights. Pull up a chair
We'll try at give you a really good scare!

This is Bill Wellington warning you that this adventure is not for the faint-of-heart. Check your pulse. Now check mine. Can't find it, can you? That's because I listened to this show last week and it scared me to death! This is your last chance to get out of here before it's too late. Push the "stop" button and think about it!

I must tell you as your host
That some tales here are really gross
But I know you will agree
There's a lot worse stuff on your TV.

And if you thought you still had time
To escape this monstrous rhyme
It's too late now; we've locked the door,
You're at the mercy of our folklore!

2. Cluck Old Hen

My old hen's a good old hen
She lays eggs for the railroad men
Sometimes one, sometimes two
Sometimes enough for the whole durn crew

Cluck old hen, cluck and sing
You ain't laid an egg since late last spring
Cluck old hen, cluck and squall,
You ain't laid an egg since late last fall

My old hen's a good old hen
She lays eggs for the railroad men
Sometimes on sometimes two
Sometimes three and sometimes four

Sometimes five sometimes six
Sometimes seven and sometimes eight
Sometimes nine and sometimes ten
That's enough for the railroad men!

Cluck old hen, cluck and sing
You ain't laid an egg since late last spring
Cluck old hen, cluck and squall,
You ain't laid an egg since late last fall.

First time she cackled, she cackled in the lot
Next time she cackled, she cackled in the pot!

3. Oh, How He Lied!

She sits by the river and plays her guitar,
Plays her guitar, plays her guitar
She sits by the river and plays her guitar,
Plays her guitar.

He sits down beside her and smokes a cigar
Smokes a cigar, smokes a cigar
He sits down beside her and smokes a cigar
Smokes a cigar.

He tells her he loves her but oh, how he lies
Oh, how he lies, oh how he lies.
He tells her he loves her but oh, how he lies.
Oh, how he lies!

And then they get married and oh, how she cries
Oh, how she cries, oh, how she cries
And then they get married and oh, how she cries
Oh, how she cries!

And she gets pneumonia and she ups and dies,
She ups and dies, she ups and dies.
And she gets pneumonia and she ups and dies,
She ups and dies.

He goes to her funeral but just for the ride
Just for the ride, just for the ride.
He goes to her funeral but just for the ride
Just for the ride.

Her tombstone falls and him and squish-squash he dies,
Squish-squash he dies, squish-squash he dies
Her tombstone falls and him and squish-squash he dies,
Squish-squash he dies.

And she goes to Heaven and flip-flop she flies
Flip-flop she flies, flip-flop she flies.
And she goes to Heaven and flip-flop she flies
Flip-flop she flies.

He goes below her and sizzles and fries,
Sizzles and fries, sizzles and fries
He goes below her and sizzles and fries,
Sizzles and fries.

The moral of this tale is never tell lies
Never tell lies, never tell lies.
The moral of this tale is never tell lies
Never tell lies, never tell lies.

Thank you!

5. Cafeteria Food
(Lyrics by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1993 BMI; music: traditional)

I dreamt that all cafeteria food
Was made by a man who a was all tattooed
From the top of his head to the tip of his toes…
Did I mention he had a big ring in his nose?

He started with a sticky paste
That vaguely resembled industrial waste.
He mixed it in a humongous vat
With lots of sugar and lots of fat,

Then he put it through a big machine
That turned it all fluorescent green,
And spread it on a cookie sheet
That measured one-hundred-by-one-hundred feet!!!!

I knew this cook was really brave
Because he used a nuclear microwave!
With a mega-blast of radiation,
In seventeen seconds it was done.

He chopped it into rectangular blocks,
And packed it away, ten to a box,
Then parked it in a big deep freeze
At minus two-hundred-and-forty degrees!

He shipped it to our school and then
Started the process all over again……

That stuff at our school started to thaw
But they still had to cut it with a saw,
They plopped it on cafeteria trays,
We ate the same stuff for sixty-two days!!!

Till everyone in school turned green!
And everyone in school turned mean!
The teachers and kids and principal too
Were all overcome by this terrible goo!

And this stuff made sure it was all we would munch,
By making us forget to pack our lunch!
We started to rave! We started to hop!
And all education came too a STOP!!!

About this time I became aware:
I was having a terrible….. NIGHTMARE!!!!!!

I opened my eyes, I jumped out of bed,
I ran to the place where my daddy read
The newspaper in the morning each day,
To see what the school lunch menu would say.

Imagine my relief when I saw
It was choice of lasagna or cheese pizza!!
I started to shout, I started to leap
My dad told me to go back too sleep!!!!

I did not mind to go back to my room….
For I knew I was safe from that terrible doom!
But to whatever it that makes you dream when you sleep
I'd say: No more nightmares like that please, they make my skin…..CREEP!!!!!!!!

Eenie Meenie

I woke up Monday morning and
I looked up on the wall
The bedbugs and mosquitoes
Were playing a game of ball.

The score was nine-to-nothing,
The skeeters were ahead.
The bedbugs hit a home run
And knocked me out of bed!

[Chorus]

Eenie meenie and a-miny-mo
Catch a whippersnapper by the toe
And if he holler hollers don't you let him go
Singing eenie-meenie and a-miny-mo

My father gave me a nickel,
My mother gave me a dime
My sister has a boyfriend
Who looks like Frankenstein

[Chorus]

My father is a lawyer,
My mother is a spy
And I'm the little puppy
Who told the FBI!

[Chorus]

I went down to the kitchen
I ordered ham and eggs
I ate so many pickles
That the juice ran down my leg

[Chorus]

I went into the sewer
And that is how I died
They didn't call it murder
They called it "sewer-side!"

12. Last Words
(Lyrics by Bill Wellington, Copyright 1993 BMI)

Well I'm glad to see to see so many of you made it through this Radio WOOF program and lived to tell about it! Along with your friends here in the World of Folklore this is Bill Wellington saying:

Thanks for coming to our party
We hope you're leaving hale and hearty
Hurry and don't be strangers
And give wide berth to all life's dangers

And if you find a secret trunk
Don't think of it as worthless junk
Just remember they may not be kiddin'
If there's a sign that says "Forbidden!"